Muffins with Mom...Gulp

Well, we had our last Muffins with Mom at First Presbyterian Preschool last week.  That only means one thing...Kindergarten is right around the corner and the weekly daytime nest will be emptied of little Workmans.   *Sigh*

I am having mixed emotions about Seth's new adventure into Kindergarten.  He is ready and depending on the day you ask him, he will tell you he is excited about it.  Actually, I am excited, too.  Lately, I think I have been afraid to admit that.  Afraid that it might make me sound like an unloving mother or that I don't want my kiddos around.  The truth is, although I am sad to leave the season of having little ones at home during the day, I am also very happy to enter into the next season of life. Since we do not feel that God has called us to homeschool our children right now, this next season for us involves having both kiddos in school during the day. I am excited for Seth.  Just like Caleb, two years prior, I feel like Eric and I have done and will continue to do the best we can to equip Seth for his next adventure.  I am excited for Caleb, too, since he will get to help his brother navigate through the early days of being a "big school" kid.   And Kindergarten was such a blast the first time around, we are ready to do it again!

I know it isn't like we are sending him off to college or that our parenting will suddenly cease once he begins school, but Seth entering Kindergarten will bring about big changes for all of us.  When I laid down my career nearly eight years ago to be a stay-at-home mom, I had no idea what I was in store for.  I guess you could say I went into it with ignorant bliss.  I have learned SO MUCH along the way.  What a terrific season it has been! An unexpected season, nonetheless.  I never dreamed I would not have a career. After spending 3 1/3 years in an intense graduate program and lots and lots of money in student loans (LOTS), being at home full time was no where near my radar. But when Caleb was placed in my arms for the first time, I think I knew then (even though it took me a while to fully accept it) that I would never be Dr. Workman. And when I met Seth for the first time, it was confirmed all over again.  It just wasn't in God's plan for me. 

And that's okay.  Because God knew what He was doing.  God knew what I needed.  God knew that I was not a person who could do both motherhood and career well simultaneously.  He knew my head would explode if I attempted it, so in order to avoid the mess, he transformed my heart and totally took away my desire for a career.  I fought it for a time, but in the end, I surrendered to His will. Not my own. 

God knew that for the first time ever, I would have to die to myself to fulfill this awesome responsibility He had for me.  No amount of strength in myself or academic knowledge would be able to tackle this job. I would have to draw close to Him, parent in His strength, love like He loves, and completely trust Him, because this was a job that was completely out of my hands.  Praise Him, because He has not left me for one second in this journey.  Being at home full time was completely out of my comfort zone, but God said, "Trust me."  Some days I have no idea how we got from diapers to the school drop off line.  We flew by the seat of our pants so many times over the past eight years.  There were many tears and many more laughs.  I have been frustrated beyond belief and have stood in magnificent awe of these little people that God entrusted Eric and me with.  Some days have been endless...I mean, really endless...but the years have flown by at the speed of light.  And today I just stand in complete gratitude that God did not allow me to choose the path that I had mapped out for my life.  I am thankful that He had a purpose for me that was much more worthwhile and whole lot more fun than anything I had been chasing after. 

I have two awesome boys and I love them deeply!  But in the midst of everything that I have gotten to experience in these past nearly eight years of motherhood, the most important thing that has emerged is my relationship with Christ.  I have truly gotten to know my Savior.  Like REALLY know Him and what He is all about.  Not just surface praise and five seconds prayers on the fly.  No, I have been on my face before Him many times (I expect to be there many more) and experienced His great and wonderful presence.   Never before had I looked beyond myself and my selfishness to see there was a greater purpose that was...gasp...not about me.  Never before did I take the time to be in His presence then when I had the opportunity to stay home.  For the first time, I got into his Word (somedays I truly devoured it, because it was keeping me afloat) and learned who He was and His character.  And who He had designed me to be and how I was suppose to live that out.  I have learned that God's Word will truly SUSTAIN me, especially in those moments when I am hanging by a thread. Through my relationship with my children, learning how to be a mother, and those sacred nap times, which were so often my sanctuary and quiet time with God, I truly met my Savior and learned to walk with Him.  And more importantly, learned to be carried by Him.

Knowing what I know now...yep, I would do exactly the same thing all over again.  You betcha! Ten times over.  Yes, it has been harder than I ever thought it would be. Yes, I have had to give up things that I thought I really wanted.  Yes, Eric and I had to be very creative in order for me to stay home, which included a six-year stint back at the Barrel, a couple of extra jobs for E, and some mad budgeting skills.  Yes, I have had bad days, bad hair, gained weight, lost sleep (oh, precious sleep), experienced emotions I never knew existed (both good and bad), been confronted head on with my selfishness, felt truly clueless and vulnerable and some days completely lost my identity and ever loving mind in crying babies and cranky attitudes. 

But I have also learned to sword fight AND light saber fight, and almost every character's name in Star Wars, Ninjago, and Mario.  I have learned that PBS has the best cartoons, that little boys love to jump out and scare you, and that blue and yellow paint really will clean up nicely on laminate flooring.  I have learned that a drawing from your child really is more valuable than gold and that when he goes to the potty for the first time, it really is worth throwing a party.  I have learned that cleaning up puke at 3am is really no big deal and that pajama days are the best. I have learned what true silliness is. I have learned that if you are not really crafty or bake, your kids can still thrive in the world.  I have learned that playdates are just as much for the mommies as they are for the kiddos.  I have learned how truly AWESOME my husband is and what an incredible team we make parenting together.  I have learned that a Daddy changing a diaper, rocking a baby, doing the dishes, folding the laundry is quite sexy.  I have learned that no parenting book (or parent for that matter) has it all figured out.  I have learned that you do not have to enjoy every second or aspect of parenting (or act like you do) in order to truly love your kiddos.  I have learned that my capacity to love was far greater than I ever imagined and that kisses and hugs from your kiddos really do make everything right with the world. I have learned that my identity can not be found in a career, my children, my husband, my friends, but only in my Savior, Jesus Christ.  In Him alone.

Oh, I could go on and on.  I am just so thankful that I got to experience it all...the good, the bad, the ugly (okay, some of the ugly, I could have done without), and the truly magnificient.  Truth is, I have forgotten what I didn't know before I had kiddos.  But I do know that having kids has made me a better person.  Being with them has grown me, matured me, and stretched me greater than any amount of post-secondary or continuing education.   

And I am grateful!

So, as I prepare to send my little birdie to Kindergarten, I want to smile and have the perspective that it is okay to be both happy and weepy during this time.  It is okay to be ready to move on to the next season of life and at the same time look back at the sweet, sweet memories of the one that just passed and shed a tear or two.  It is okay to be excited to have more kid-free time during the day and to look forward to whatever God has in store for the new extra hours I will have.  It is okay to have lunch dates with my boys at school, just because I miss them and want to hang out with them, and it is okay to rush over to school to be the first one in the pick up line.  

If we stand still, we will never grow. And if we try to hold onto to something that will never stand still, then we might just miss out on the excitment that is yet to come.   Yes, I will cry in a few months when I walk out of Seth's school after dropping him off for the first time at Kindergarten.  Probably a real ugly cry with big tears.  And probably a few other times before.   But I will do it with a full heart of gratitude for the precious time I have had growing my boys, while God was growing me.

Praise you, Jesus Christ!  You are so good!